Tales of Snake
by Christian Orton
Summary: What happens when Solid Snake, Otacon, Raiden and Ocelot find themselves stuck inside a closet?
1. A Reunion of Sorts

Stamford, Connecticut. Two weeks ago. We received classified intelligence that a new, super-cool, uber-powerful new Metal Gear prototype is being developed right here in the seemingly innocent looking state of Connecticut. Innocent my ass. The whole thing stank. Kept our noses out in the rain too long.

"What the hell are you doing?!?" Otacon yelled, his eyes filled with tears and his pants stained by urine.

"Uh, I'm monologuing…why?" Snake said sheepishly.

"Have you notice we're being shot at!" Otacon screamed in a girly tone.

Snake turned and saw at least a dozen guards, armed with M4 carbines and 45's. One of the bullets whizzed passed him, destroying half the cigarette he was smoking in his mouth. At once, Snake screamed in his girliest voice yet and followed Otacon down the hallway. The guards continued to shoot, even as the two jumped out the window. It must've been fifteen feet or more, but the unlikely duo couldn't care less. They landed into a glass ceiling, shattering it in the process. The room they were in was dark, but uninhabited. Letting out a sigh of relief, Snake and Otacon did their secret handshake with child-like enthusiasm. They finished it up with a great high-five, but as they raised their hands into the air, an alarm suddenly triggered. The once dark room was suddenly lit…with infared sensors.

"Crap!" They said simultaneously.

"There they are! Get 'em!" A guard said.

Snake and Otacon made a run for the door, ignoring all the sensors, not knowing they were now triggering all sorts of alarms all over the building.

"Otacon!" Snake yelled.

"Yeah?!" Otacon answered, his eyes still wet with tears.

"I forgot to ask you before we left…WHY ARE YOU HERE?"

"I told you, there was nothing on TV except for Moulin Rouge! So I came along."

"Wait! You love the Moulin Rouge!"

"Yeah, but Nichole Kidman's not doing it for me anymore…I've moved on…to Megan Fox!" Otacon said, his eyes suddenly heart-shaped.

"In here! Through this conveniently opened cargo door!" Snake said as they continued to evade the guards.

* * *

Stamford, Connecticut. En route to Europe where EVA, Naomi Hunter and I would plan a huge insurrection that would take place on a global scale if only to resurrect Big Boss and end The Patriots, I was side-tracked by the information given to me about a new, super-cool, uber-powerful new Metal Gear prototype. I would check out this new Metal Gear model and then have my left arm removed in exchanged for a robotic one.

"Uh…that's great but why are you telling me this?" A guard said, pissing in the urinal next to him.

Revolver Ocelot was in the men's room. He and the guard were the only ones there. The guard stared at him uneasily.

"Oh, well, um…I guess I was having another flashback…I fought in the Cold War, you know."

"That wasn't a flashback! You were narrating some--"

"Monologuing. The term is monologuing." Ocelot corrected him.

The guard rolled his eyes. "Ok, fine. Monologuing…wait, the Cold War wasn't an actual war! It was a state of non-violent conflict that existed between the United States and the USSR and their respective allies!"

Ocelot stared into his eyes with a blank expression. "YOU LIE!!!"

Gripping the handle of his Single Action Army revolver, he smacked the guard in the head as hard as he could. Knocking the guard out, he finished pissing, washed his hands and walked away. As he opened the door, he literally bumped into two familiar faces.

"Snake?!" Ocelot said.

"Ocelot?!" Snake said in disbelief.

"BBBBRRRROOOOOOTTTTTTTHHHEEEERRRR!" Ocelot said, raising his arm in the air, looking as if he was possessed by a spirit or something. After a while, he recovered.

"Aw, shit…not this again." Ocelot said to himself.

"There they are! And they've got a third man! Get 'em!" A guard yelled.

With that yell, every guard in the vicinity suddenly had an exclamation point appearing above their heads. All eyes and guns were directed at them. Ocelot suddenly felt a warm, wet sensation in his pants.

"Whoops! I guess I wasn't done pissing after all…" Ocelot said.

"Naw, that was me." Otacon said, zipping up. "My pants are full and wet so I decided to unload on you. Hope you don't mind."

Ocelot and Snake both glared at him.

"What?! I piss on other people all the time!"

"Yeah, but these slacks are brand new…" Ocelot said sadly.

A hand-grenade flew into the air and landed on their feet. The three of them ran for it and dramatically jumped up in slow-motion as the explosion raged behind them. As always, the guards were in hot pursuit. They ran through confusing corridors and maze-like hallways until finally, they had reached the lowest level of the building's basement.

* * *

Stamford, Connecticut. It's been a year since the Big Shell incident. My wife, Rose, had miscarried our child and left me for an older man. A far older man. I was going to go to Area 51 where, according to classified information, Olga Gurlukovich's child was being held when I heard that a new, super-cool—

"Cool! I bumped into a totally hot babe!" Otacon said gleefully.

Raiden got up and shook his head. Otacon's smile disappeared.

"Hey! I was monologuing!" Raiden yelled.

"Oh…it's only you Raiden."

"Look out, Kid!" Snake yelled, motioning for Raiden to get out of the way.

Behind them was a battalion of guards. Fearful and nervous, Raiden raised his Mk. 23 SOCOM weakly in the air.

"D-Don't move…I-I'm a n-n-ninja!"

Without firing a single shot, Raiden yelled in a girl tone that Snake would've been proud of. The entire basement was dark and filled with large crates. Suddenly, everything was quiet. The guards split into teams, meticulously searching the room for the four. They quickly and quietly hid inside the janitor's closet conveniently located near them. They got inside and closed the door. As Raiden, Otacon and Ocelot began shivering, crying and rocking back and forth like Dustin Hoffman in Rain man, Snake pressed his ear against the wall.

"They're in here men! There's no other way."

"Good! Let's get in there and kill them!"

"No, wait…we always do that…we're gonna try a different approach for these guys. We are gonna wait until they leave…then we'll kill them!"

"What? That's stupid! We should just go in and kill them!"

"I'm the CO around here and what I say goes!"

Snake locked the door and wiped the sweat off his head.

"We're gonna be in here for a while…"

"BBBBBBBBRRRRRRROOOOOOOTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEERRRRRRR!"

"Aw shit…"


	2. Otacon's Tale

"It's been ten minutes since we first arrived here." Snake said to himself, starting another monologue.

"The guards have decided to wait until we came out before they would kill us…smart move." Snake said, peering out the door. He could see that guards outside, sitting down and playing poker.

"My associates are already cracking under pressure." Snake said as Otacon and Raiden began having thumb fights while Ocelot, who was now in his underwear, clapped his hands in a weird pattern.

"So…friggin…bored…" Ocelot said, in his trance-like state.

"I know, and Raiden's hurting me!" Otacon whimpered as Raiden crushed his thumb.

"Ok boys, we can do this! All we have to do to get out of here alive is to keep calm. Remember, in the heat of battle, cooler heads prevail!" Snake said with encouragement.

"I got it! We should tell old war stories!" Ocelot suddenly said.

They all looked at him like he wasn't totally crazy.

"Y'know what, that's great idea! I'll go first!" Raiden said, snapping Otacon's thumb with one swift move.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH" Otacon screamed.

"No, I'm the legendary soldier! I'll go first!" Snake exclaimed.

"Now, now boys…" Ocelot said mischievously, "Back in Spetznaz, we made decisions in a more fair manner…"

One thing led to another until they were all standing up, leaning against the wall. Ocelot, SAA revolver in hand, was busy loading bullets into the handgun. He stared at each of them in the eye and laughed sadistically.

"Ok, you know what, let Snake go first." Raiden said nervously.

"Can we not do this please?" Snake asked.

"Relax, boys." Ocelot said, "I'm gonna shoot each of you in point blank range. Two of the shots are live, but one's a blank. The one who doesn't get shot for real gets to tell the first story."

Without warning and hesitation, Ocelot shot all three with superhuman speed. Snake felt a sharp pain in his chest as he watched his life bar suddenly appear in the air and goes down by half. Raiden fell backwards and bumped his head against the wall, making his life bar drop by seventy-five percent. Otacon, however, was unscathed.

"Well, Anime boy…you're up." Ocelot said.

"O-Okay….just don't try to shoot me again…" Otacon said, "My war story is a story I think you're all familiar with. It was the mission that changed our lives forever…The Shadow Moses incident! And this is how I remember it…"

(cue fuzzy dream sequence)

* * *

Shadow Moses. The year is 2005. The base was quiet. Too quiet. The basement 1 labs were always a thing to behold. Powerful supercomputers and advanced machinery. It was enough to make any nerd orgasm in delight. Deep within the labs stood a lone scientist. He was a tall and dark individual. His muscles apparent, even through his thick laboratory coat. Hal "Otacon" Emmerich wiped the sweat from his brow. He grunted and curled the dumbbell once more before dropping it on the ground.

"Whew, another hard day working out." Otacon said out load.

Suddenly he heard screams and distant sounds of static electricity. He adjusted his glasses and approached the door. Just as he predicted, the door opened by itself and a cyborg ninja appeared before him. The ninja must've been seven or eight feet tall, but Otacon stood his ground.

"Who are you? State your business, fiend!" Otacon demanded.

The ninja growled in response. As their stare down continued, a man appeared at the door. He looked skinny and pale, his small forehead made even smaller due to the dark blue bandana he wore over it.

"Hi! I'm Solid Snake, and I'm here to – HOLY SHIT! THE NINJA!" Snake said.

"Have no fear, young one. I'll take on this technological monstrosity!" Otacon said, throwing his glasses away."

"I am the guardian of the secret government project known as Rex! You shall not pass!" Otacon said, impressively slamming his fist onto his table.

The ninja, visibly intimidated, was at a loss for words. He took two steps backward before letting out a frightening scream as blood flowed down his back. The soldier, Snake, had just shot the ninja in the back.

"Whoops!" Snake said.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" The ninja said as he ran out of the room.

"What was that thing?" Snake asked Otacon nervously.

"That was obviously Gray Fox in a ninja suit. Now come, Snake. Let's destroy REX." Otacon said charismatically.

"Yippee! I love destroying! Can I help?" Snake said enthusiastically.

"Sure Snake. Sure."

The two marched confidently across the corridors. The guards that saw them dared not approach them out of fear. As they approached the missile silo where Metal Gear REX was being held, a red beam of light danced across Snake's chest. Without warning, a bullet passed through Snake's torso. Snake fell and began to soil himself. From a distance, Otacon could see the assailant. Powerful and seductive, Sniper Wolf approached them and ran her fingers across Otacon's chiseled chest.

"Wow, Hal…have you been working out?" Sniper Wolf said in a sexy tone.

"Everyday just for you, baby!" Otacon said in a suave voice.

"No! Otacon! Don't fall for it! She shot Meryl!" The wounded Snake yelled.

"Get over it, Snake! Meryl looked like a tranny anyway. Remember how well that soldier suit fit her? Even the crotch area seemed tight." Otacon said as he held Sniper Wolf in his arms.

Snake's pitiful face had a mixture of sadness and disgust in it.

"One word: BALLS, Snake…BALLS." Otacon said before locking lips with Wolf and passionately making love to her as a shocked Snake watched.

Once Sniper Wolf had satisfied her lust, the two continued to go down the silo until at long last, they came face to face with Metal Gear REX, piloted by Liquid Snake.

"BBBBRRRROOOOTTTTHHHHEEEERRRR!" Liquid yelled.

"BBBBRRRROOOOTTTTHHHHEEEERRRR!" Snake yelled back.

"Oh brother…" Otacon said, rolling his manly eyes.

"Give me that Stinger you've been carrying around, Snake!" Otacon demanded.

"Uh, ok. Whatever." Snake said as he ate noodles on the floor.

Otacon aimed high and with one direct hit with the Stinger missile launcher, Metal Gear REX exploded. They watched in awe as Liquid flew away yelling and cursing. Almost immediately, every GENOME soldier arrived at the scene. The two ran towards a jeep and took off. Otacon, with his superior driver skills, drove the jeep down the tunnel while Snake commandeered the M16 rifle attached at the back. The GENOME soldiers were in hot pursuit with jeeps of their own.

"Hang on Snake! I see the light!" Otacon yelled as the sunlight blinded them all.

"Oh God! I'm gonna be sick!" Snake said as he puked all over the road, causing the enemy jeeps to collide into each other.

As they reached the end of the tunnel, Otacon sighed in relief.

"Whew, I'm glad that's over…"

"BBBBRRRROOOOTTTTHHHHEEEERRRR!" Liquid yelled, as he began limping towards them.

Snake was now cowering at the sight of his evil twin, but Otacon stood his ground. He stared Liquid straight in the eyes and not long after that, Liquid began to suffer a heart attack.

"F-F-F-Fox…" Snake said slowly.

"D-D-D-Die…" Liquid muttered as he fell forward, dead.

"How? Why? Was it FOXDIE? Am I gonna die next?!" Snake asked in panic.

"No Snake. Liquid died out of fear, not FOXDIE…fear of my twenty-nine inch pythons." Otacon said proudly, flexing his muscles.

Snake stood still for a second before puking again.

* * *

(fuzzy dream sequence ends)


	3. Snake's Tale

"And that's how we all survived Shadow Moses." Otacon said confidently.

No one made a sound. They were all staring at him with unclear expressions until suddenly they all burst out laughing. Otacon's smirk disappeared as he reached for a nearby teddy bear, appropriately labeled 'self-esteem bear', and began to squeeze it tightly in his arms. After at least twenty-five seconds, the laughter died down, but only because Ocelot began coughing violently like the old man he is, but as soon as he recovered, so did the laughter.

"The best laugh I've had since Solidus told me he was gonna cut his hair so he could look like Big Boss." Ocelot said, wiping a tear from his eye.

"You have some imagination, Otacon." Snake said, giving him a friendly punch.

"And a major inferiority complex, by the looks of it." Raiden said matter-of-factly.

"Just shut up!" Otacon said, burying his face in his hands. "Let's see you do any better!"

"Ok, I got this." Snake said getting up. "My story is real; not half hallucinated like Otacon's. It all started in 1995…"

(Cue fuzzy dream sequence)

* * *

Outer Heaven. 1995. A lone soldier swam his way down the feces-infested river like a machine. He looked young and inexperienced. This would be his first and greatest mission, one that will be his greatest accomplishment. Several things were running through his head. Just mere days ago, he was in boot camp, under the fist of "Master" McDonald Miller. One morning, however, he was taken from his bed, beaten up and possibly violated. The soldier even agreed to it; thinking it was just some sick prank to play on the new kid, but he was wrong. When the blindfold was removed, he was already dressed in a Green Beret outfit and shoved into the feces-infested river he was currently swimming in. Ah, to be the new kid, he thought.

"SNAKE!" A voice screamed into his ear.

'Snake' was so startled by the voice that he swallowed at least a liter of the river water. Suddenly he tasted shit in his mouth.

"What?! Big Boss, are you mad? I'm in a feces-infested river for Christ's sake!" Snake complained into his headphones.

"Oh. Sorry…I, uh, just wanted to tell you to stop monologuing…it'll give your location away to the enemy, 'cause you know, you talk too loud and stuff." Big Boss said.

"Oh…HEY!"

"No time to talk, you're at Outer Heaven now. Talk to me when you've reached Gray Fox. Over and out."

Snake spat out some water and looked up. A gigantic fortress with the 'Outer Heaven' label stood amazingly before him. Convenient, ain't it? Snake got out of the water and reached into his pants searching for his gun. It took him a least a minute of body-searching himself before the realization of not having any weapons finally hit him.

"What the hell?! No good, eye-patch wearin', cheapskate! Couldn't even give me a gun for my most important mission ever…" Snake mumbled to himself.

"You're gonna have to look for it yourself." Said a smooth voice behind him.

"Who goes there?!?!?" Snake said, shaping his fingers like a gun and pointing it randomly.

"It's me, dude…Raiden." Raiden said.

"Hey! How'd you get here? You're not in my story!" Snake said in disbelief.

"TIME PARADOX! YOU'VE CHANGED THE FUTURE!"

Snake and Raiden looked up, both wondering where that mysterious voice came from.

"What was that? And what did he mean by a paradox? Is that bad?" Snake asked.

"I have no idea…but it's your story, so what harm can it do?" Raiden replied. "C'mon, I know where Gray Fox is being held."

They made their way inside the fortress. The moment they got in, reality itself began to change. The environment's appearance was drastically altered, from vibrant and three-dimensional to pixel-like and two-dimensional. Horrified, both men made a run for it. They attempted to scream in their trademark girly voice, but this new 2-D environment doesn't support voice overs. After much exploring and backtracking, they finally made it inside Gray Fox's cell.

"I can talk again!" 2-D Snake yelled happily.

"This is creepy…it's like we're in some Sega Genesis video game or something." 2-D Raiden said.

"No, it's worse…" Gray Fox, sitting beside them said, "It's the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES)!!!"

"Noooooooooo!!!!" Both of them yelled.

"Well, are you gonna get me out of here or not?" Gray Fox said impatiently.

"Yeah we are, just as soon as you tell us about Metal Gear!" Snake demanded.

"But you already know about it, I mean you just mentioned it now." Gray Fox said, confused.

Snake and Raiden looked at each other.

"Woah! Snake, first me and now this! Your story's getting kinda freaky." Raiden said.

"Yeah, well let's just go destroy Metal Gear so we can get the hell out of here…wait a minute," Snake said, "I gotta take this call."

"Hello?"

"SNAKE!"

"Jesus, Boss…why you always yelling at me?"

"Uh, no reason…Metal Gear is in the 100 floor basement. Destroy it and come back so we can have victory cake!"

"Okey dokey!...Hey, how'd you know where Metal Gear is being kept?!" Snake said, sounding suspicious.

"BECAUSE!!!"

"Ok fine, you don't have to yell…over and out!" Snake said, taking off his head phones.

"God, he annoys me…you know I wish he was here, so I can take him out and make this whole base self-destruct."

With the thought of victory cake fresh in their minds, the two mysteriously found a way to destroy the nine-inch thick wall without any equipment whatsoever. With Gray Fox free, Snake and Raiden continued to venture into the 2-D environment, taking out every guard they could find, just to see if killing was easier in 2-D (it wasn't). After taking down an evil rogue gallery of Outer Heaven Mercenaries, they made their way into the 100th floor basement where Metal Gear was being held. Upon arrival, they met some short dude named Dr. Madnar, who carefully explained that Metal Gear can be destroyed by blowing up it's legs with C4—

"You know Snake, monologuing doesn't give you an excuse to talk to yourself in public."

"Shut up, it's my story damn it!"

They planted the C4 and detonated it. The explosion of Metal Gear was enough to take out 2-D Raiden who, according to NES gameplay, disappeared into thin air as opposed to leaving behind a corpse. Snake snickered as he was now the sole protagonist in the story. Feeling proud and mighty, Snake confidently away from the wreckage when bullets flew passed him, missing by mere inches. He turned and aimed his gun-shaped fingers at the attacker. He was in for the shock of his life. The man was incredibly old, with a rugged beard and an eye patch over his right eye. He took a cigar out of his long and cool-looking trench coat and began smoking.

"HAHAHA, I have you now Solid Sn--" Big Boss said, before collapsing on the floor. His eyes suddenly bugged out and began coughing violently. He quickly regained his composure and got back up.

"You ok there?" Snake asked.

"Yeah, I just got something in my throat." Big Boss replied.

"Are you sure? That sounded awful."

"Really? Well, I guess it must be the long term effect of all my cigar-smoking over the years. Wow, I didn't know you cared; and here I was, about to kill you and all. You know, this might be a good time to tell you that you're actually my s--"

Big Boss couldn't even finish his sentence. His chest was wet with blood. Snake was now holding a real gun, with real bullets. Big Boss fell forward and presumably died. As he witness Big Boss' subsequent betrayal and downfall, he felt no elation. Only a calm certainty that he had walked blindly into a classic Hollywood movie-type trap. Uttering no words, he opened the exit door beside him and left. As he calmly strolled down the hill, the once magnificent fortress exploded as expected. Wiping a single tear out of his eyes, Solid Snake waved at a hovering helicopter to come and fetch him. He watched as they flew higher and higher and within seconds, the debris of Outer Heaven was just a small dot on the surface.

"Hey man, nice monologue." The pilot said.

"Thanks, I practice a lot." Snake replied.

(fuzzy dream sequence ends)

* * *


	4. Raiden's Tale

Snake lit his cigarette and let out a hearty laugh. Everybody else just stared at him, mouths wide open.

"Yeah, let me hear it…its damn good, isn't it?" Snake said confidently.

"And you said I was delusional!" Otacon protested.

"Snake, I wasn't even there…why was I there?!" Raiden asked, "And what happened to my corpse?"

"People, don't worry about the details. Just concentrate on the fact that you had just listened to one of the greatest stories ever told. End of discussion." Snake said, blowing puffs of smoke at Otacon's face.

"Hmm, well let's see pretty boy here do any better." Ocelot said, nodding towards Raiden.

"All right! Raiden's time to shine! Now my story is something you're all familiar with," Raiden began, "It all started about a year ago, it would be my first real mission yet…"

(Cue fuzzy dream sequence)

* * *

The Big Shell. April 2009. Two jet black helicopters are flying in the air, flying towards the Big Shell clean up facilities. Unbeknownst to them, someone was close by, trailing them. Raiden lifted his head up to the surface. His mask was unbelievably itchy and uncomfortable. But then again, so was the rest of his suit. Squirming uncontrollably, Raiden dove back down and swam towards the underwater oil fence. Somewhere in the middle, there was already a huge hole through it. Feeling lucky, he swam through it and continued on towards the Strut A docking bay. He swam upwards and reached for the surface.

"Colonel, I've made it inside." Raiden said, activating his codec.

"Good job, Raiden. Now go rescue the president and defeat the terrorists…oh yeah, and you're girlfriend, Rose, is gonna be serving as our system analyst for today." The Colonel said.

"Wait, what?!"

"Hey Jack!" Rose suddenly burst through the transmition

"Crap…"

"What was that?"

"Er, nothing…uh, listen Rose, I'm on a mission right now so--"

"Oh, it's ok Jack. I understand. While you're out saving the world, I'll just make out with The Colonel."

"WHAT?"

"I said, while you're out saving the world, I'll be saving your progress along the way. And by the way, do you know what day it is tomorrow?"

"April 30th?" Raiden randomly guessed.

"Yeah…anything else?"

"Nope. Not a clue."

With that remark, Raiden abruptly turned off the transmition and continued his mission, scratching and clawing at himself all the way. He got to the rooftop of Strut A, where the Colonel finally allowed him to at least take off his mask and from there he was able to make his way down to Strut B. The walls were covered with blood. Trying his best not to vomit, he followed the trail of blood into the boiler room. He watched in horror as three unsuspecting Navy Seals were sliced and diced by an extremely fast, extremely smelly Romanian dude. Slowly but surely, M9 at hand, he approached the man, who was now licking the near-lifeless soldier's face.

"Hey, you just stabbed me; what's with the licking?!" the soldier complained.

"Silence…Face…tasting like waffles…Vamp…forgot to eat breakfast today…" Vamp said as he licked the soldier's face like a Popsicle.

"Then why not eat these!" The soldier began waving his rations wildly.

Vamp stared at it for a while before resuming the licking.

"FREEZE!" Raiden yelled.

Vamp looked at him incredulously.

"Five today…or is it six?" Vamp said as he carved a vertical line across his chest.

The sight of the apparently vampiric and apparently emo Vamp cutting himself was far too great to bear. Raiden began puking at once. Disgusted at the sight of Raiden's vomit, Vamp made a run for it but accidentally ran into another soldier at the door. At once, Vamp began to sniff the man wildly.

"Your smell…It's familiar…Are you…S…"

The soldier began sweating bullets. Could Vamp know his secret identity?

"S…Sam Jackson?"

The soldier sighed.

"Man, I loved you in Pulp Fiction, but not in Star Wars though….still, Mace Windu was pretty bad-ass…You know, I got a confession…Whenever I slice someone with my knives, I always pretend I'm…"

"Pretend you're what?" The soldier asked.

"A Jedi." Vamp said, blushing.

"That's nice and all, but I'm not Samuel Jackson."

Vamp stayed still for a moment before going into a fit of rage. The grabbed the soldier by the neck and began slamming him against the wall. Desperate, the soldier threw his M4 to Raiden, now done puking, and started to yell obscenities at him so he'd shoot.

"C'mon you freakin' faggot! What are you waiting for? Shoot!!! He's gonna lick my freakin' neck for Christ's sake! SHOOT!"

Raiden then unloaded like there was no tomorrow. Growing bored, Vamp licked the soldier one last time, slipped his phone number into his pocket and walked off. The soldier, now slumped on the floor, was starting to get annoyed by Raiden's mindless shooting. Grabbing a Mk. 23 SOCOM, he aimed carefully and shot Raiden's crotch area.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What the fuck was that for?!?" Raiden yelled.

"For kicks." The soldier smiled.

"You know you could've just told me to stop."

"You were having too much fun, so why bother spoiling it?"

"But you just shot me down below! I'm probably sterile because of you!"

"So?"

Raiden, defeated, threw the M4 at the soldier's feet and began to mope.

"Aw, don't feel bad kid. Here, take the SOCOM." The soldier offered.

"Really? As a token of friendship?" Raiden asked with hopeful eyes.

"Nope. To remind you of the pain it just caused. Welcome to the Metal Gear franchise, kid."

"Uh, thanks I guess. I'm Raiden."

"Solid Snake."

"What?"

"Er, I mean Iroquois Plisken, Lt. Junior Grade." Plisken said, as he extended his hand.

Raiden extended his own hand and they shook hands for a long, long time.

"So does this mean you're passing the torch to me?"

"Don't push it, kid."

(fuzzy dream sequence is unexpectedly interrupted)

* * *

Author's note: Why was the dream sequence prematurely ended? You'll just have to wait for chapter 5 to find out.


	5. Ocelot's Tale

Raiden felt a strong grip around his mouth. The fuzzy dream sequence located inside the mysteriously visible thought bubble floating above his head suddenly disappeared.

"Hey! I wasn't even half way done!" Raiden whined like the whiny wimp he is.

"Yeah, yeah…we were all there, we know what happens." Snake said.

"Stillman gets killed, you kill Fatman…"

"You, me and Snake take out Solidus in a Kasatka, and afterwards you rescue my sister…" Otacon continued.

"You go down to Arsenal Gear where I used my cunning to trick you all and deliver RAY to the Patriots," Ocelot piped in, "Before Liquid ruins everything…"

"Solidus dies, I give some speech about passing on your genes at the end, blah, blah, blah…point is, it's too damn long…and we can only take your whiny voice for so long." Snake said.

Raiden pouted and turned the other way. "Fine then. You tell the next story."

"I'll do it!" Ocelot stood up at once, like a limp dick rejuvenated by Viagra.

"Now, young whippersnappers, the story I'm gonna tell you is about freedom, beauty, truth and the bohemian way!" Ocelot said proudly.

They all gave him blank expressions. Feeling foolish, Ocelot sat back down and let out a small cough.

"Sorry, my grandfather was part of the Bohemian Revolution in Paris back in 1899." He said softly. "But the point is, this story is a hundred percent real! And it all began back in Tselinoryask, that's somewhere in the Soviet Union, in the year 1964…"

(Cue fuzzy dream sequence…and some weird theme song entitled 'Snake Eater')

A large plane flew across the sky, above the forests of Tselinoryask. The mountain air was quite refreshing in comparison to the damp, depressing atmosphere of Grozny Grad. The plane took a sharp left turn and did a complete 180. Inside, the pilots were sweating bullets. They were on official orders, not to deliver food to soldiers, or to drop bombs on unsuspecting Americans, but to entertain one man. The same man whose gun was placed firmly next to the pilot's head.

"Please sir! The plane's fuel is nearly spent!" The pilot reasoned.

"Silence!" Ocelot yelled.

"You! Twist those knobs!" He said, pointing to the co-pilot, "And you! Pull some levers! PULL SOME LEVERS!"

Ocelot laughed sadistically, firing live rounds into the air as the pilots twisted the knobs and pulled the levers as he instructed. A small ringing in his ear stopped all the commotion as Ocelot pouted and answered his radio, much to the relief of the pilots.

"Eh? Who the hell is this?" Ocelot asked in a loud voice.

"This is the secretary of The Philosophers," A woman answered. "You've been given a new assignment."

"Ooohhh! A secret assignment?" Ocelot asked enthusiastically.

"Uh, no. It's just a regular assignment." The secretary answered. "Anyway, you are to assassinate the entire Cobra unit, kill Colonel Volgin and retrieve The Philosopher's legacy."

"Wow…What a wonderful gesture. Surely The Philosophers must think highly of me for them to assign such a vital mission." Ocelot said proudly.

He suddenly heard giggling in the background. The secretary was busy shushing people around her.

"Hehehe – ahem, uh, yeah that's it!" She said cheerfully. "And if you accomplish this, we'll, uh, give you the rank of Big Boss."

Ocelot heard even more laughter through the radio. There was a burst of static electricity and the radio went dead. Perplexed, but not really interested, he ordered the pilots around some more when suddenly; a larger, faster plane flew past them. The cargo door opened and a lone soldier slowly made his way towards the edge. Tightening his weird gas mask, the soldier leaped of the edge and fell some hundred feet down below. Curious, but then again, not really that interested, Ocelot ignored what he saw.

"Ok, pilots! Time for my favorite torture game…The rubber glove!" Ocelot said with an evil grin.

The pilots shuddered out of fear as Ocelot stretched the glove as far as he could and aimed at their crotch area.

"Enie, meanie, miny, moe…I wonder where my glove will go?"

(One week later)

Ocelot was strolling through the canyon. What a week he just had: receiving a new assignment, getting beat up by a mysterious American soldier named Naked Snake, and watching Colonel Volgin nuke the forest. Why, just that morning, he got his butt handed to him by Snake again. But he was a professional; he had to learn from his mistakes and move on. As if on cue, Snake arrived at the canyon, cautiously pointing his gun.

"Ocelot?!" Snake said with a fearful voice.

"That's right Snake; there'll be no accidents this time – because now I have two revolvers!" Ocelot said, spinning his revolvers in a fancy way.

"Oh dear God! The twirling! It's too confusing! I give up!" Snake said.

Ocelot was about to shoot when hornets started to appear out of nowhere.

"Egad! It's The Pain! Ocelot unit, defensive position!" Ocelot yelled.

At once, the entire Ocelot unit leaped right on top of him, effectively protecting him from the hornets. Snake, the cowardly man he is, fell off the cliff and into the cavern below. Ocelot signaled for his men to get up, but with more than five hundred pounds of humanity on top of him, it was hard for anybody to notice.

"Should we keep this up?" A soldier asked.

"He told us not to stop until he gave us the signal." Another one replied.

"Did any of you see the signal?"

"Well, he was screaming for air for a long while."

They said nothing for a long time until one of them got an idea.

"Hey, back in briefing, didn't he say something about dramatically throwing us off his body?"

"Oh yeah…OKAY, GO AHEAD! THROW US OFF!"

Ocelot made no movements underneath them. Feeling guilty, they slowly got up one by one and left the scene. When Ocelot woke up, he was inside the nurse's office in Grozny Grad. His head hurt like hell and he had a big thermometer in his mouth AND his butt. The nurse, who looked like an eerie female version of Volgin was busy tending to his many boo-boo's.

"Eh? What happened?" Ocelot asked groggily.

"You were found unconscious in the wilderness." The nurse answered.

Ocelot turned pale at the sight of the nurse. "V-V-Volgin?"

Volgin, who was actually the nurse all along, gave him a long and disturbing smile.

"My, what a beautiful body you have, Ocelot. Like a newborn baby. I had fun giving you that sponge bath while you were unconscious." Volgin said with the tone of a horny school girl.

Ocelot shuddered as he pictured Volgin gleefully rubbing a dirty sponge against his bare-naked ass. He slowly pulled down his pants and to his horror; he saw a tattoo on his ass that read 'Volgin's bitch'.

"I thought you only do that Major Raikov…" Ocelot whimpered.

"Ah yes, well that reminds me. I've got to go find him. Hopefully that American soldier hasn't captured him and stolen his clothes. See you around Ocelot! You're good to go!" Volgin said, as he put on his regular uniform and left the room. Ocelot lay in a fettle position and cried for an hour before regaining his composure and leaving the nurse's office. He had a lot of things in his mind. His mission to the Philosophers, his soon-to-be rank of Big Boss among others.

Ocelot stormed out of the Fortress and ran into a haggard looking soldier. The man was a mess; bruises and cuts everywhere. His uniform was dirty and tattered. He looked more like a hobo than a soldier.

"Spare change, sir?" The soldier asked.

"Sorry, I haven't got any change…er, what happened to you anyway?" Ocelot asked.

"Some American Soldier beat me up, tranquilized me and stole all my equipment." The soldier replied.

Feeling worried, Ocelot walked away from the pitiful soldier. Not long after that, he bumped into a dozen more soldiers just like him. All of them dirty and hobo-like.

"Spare some change?"

"Sorry, I don't have any change."

"Change, sir? For a pitiful man?"

"I have no change!" Ocelot was getting annoyed now.

He started picking up the pace. There were dozens of them; all beat up and haggard-looking, asking for change. Ocelot's walk turned into a sprint as he ran for his life, but it was only the beginning. Nothing could've prepared him for what he saw: an entire army of soldiers, all of them defeated and dirty simultaneously asking for change.

"I HAVE NO CHANGE!!!" Ocelot yelled.

He turned around and made a run for it, but he bumped into another soldier.

"Spare change?" The soldier asked cheerfully.

"NO! I HAVE NO CHANGE!" Ocelot yelled before running away.

"Okay, God bless you then." The soldier replied.

Ocelot gritted his teeth and went back. "Crap, now you've made me feel bad!"

Ocelot reached into his picket and threw seventy-five cents at the soldier before running away. The army of hobo-soldiers were now chasing after him, some on foot, some on motorcycles, some on Hinds, even.

"That was all the change I had! I swear!" Ocelot cried.

He ran into a building not caring what it was. Inside the room, Naked Snake was being tortured. EVA, The Boss and Volgin were there as well. Dripping with sweat, Ocelot barricaded the door with everything he could get his hands on.

"Ocelot!" Volgin said. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Change…Change! They all want change!" Ocelot muttered incoherently.

Ocelot took a few steps backwards. He bumped into the captured Snake, and because of his great fear and surprise, accidentally shot him in the eye. Naked Snake let out a scream of pain. EVA, still in disguise, broke down in tears. The Boss said nothing whilst Volgin began pleasuring himself, looking masochistically lustful. The door and the barricade were then torn apart. The soldiers forced themselves in. Ocelot ran for the backdoor, but it was a dead-end.

"No! I have no change!" Ocelot screamed at the soldiers.

The soldiers no longer cared. They all just dove at him. Ocelot would remain unconscious for the rest of the mission. In fact, The Philosophers had to replace him with a body double for the remainder of Operation Snake Eater. When Ocelot finally awoke, he was lying in a bed somewhere in the United States. His body double was in the next room, speaking with someone on the phone.

"Yes sir!" His double said. "Mr. Director."

His double hung up and turned around.

"Oh! Ocelot! I didn't see you there. Well you'll be glad to know that the mission is complete. Naked Snake survived, destroyed the Shagohod, killed The Boss and the rest of the Cobras and most importantly, he achieved the rank of Big Boss."

Ocelot fumed up inside. "I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!!!!"

His double took a sip of Martini. "Really? My bad then."

Ocelot grabbed his SAA revolver and shot his double on the spot.

* * *

sorry for the long wait...I was busy with several other projects. Expect the last 2 chapters within the next 2 weeks or so. Up next: **"Liquid's Tale?!"**


	6. Liquid's Tale part 1

Author's note: Sorry for the incredibly long delay. College and writer's block prevented me from uploading this earlier.

* * *

"Well, that's the end of that." Ocelot said, satisfied.

"One of you guys check if those guards are still playing poker." Raiden whispered.

"I'll do it." Snake said, peering out into the door. The guards were now seated in a large table, many of them nude. They were playing poker all right; strip poker. Struggling not to lose his lunch, Snake hurriedly closed the door.

"Well?"

"You don't wanna know." Snake replied instantly.

"What do we do now? Everybody else has had a turn." Otacon said.

"BBBBBBBBRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!"

"Oh crap." Snake, Otacon and Raiden said simultaneously.

Ocelot was now twitching, struggling with his own arm.

"Lemme tell a story! I won't take long!" A strange unknown voice coming from Ocelot's arm said.

"No! You always say that!" Ocelot snapped back.

The arm suddenly rose into the air and began hitting Ocelot in the face.

"Hey Ocelot, why are you hitting yourself?" His arm said as Ocelot's face turned red.

"Okay, okay fine! You can have a turn! No good Liquid…" Ocelot whimpered. He continued to twitch and scream until finally, Liquid was in control.

"BBBRRROOOTTTHHHEEERRR! Are you ready?" Liquid said impressively.

"No…" Snake whispered to himself.

"Too bad. Here comes Liquid!"

* * *

(Cue fuzzy dream sequence)

The year was 1980, eight years after the Les Enfant Terribles project. Three clone babies were successfully born since then. The eldest, codenamed Solid, is a bright young lad. Only eight years old, and he's already mastered five languages, on his way to mastering his sixth. The 'perfect' clone, codenamed Solidus, is a political zealot. Only seven and a half years old, and he already wants to be president. Hehe, cute little tyke. The middle child, Liquid, is not exactly what you'd call soldier material. Always playing with toy planes and what not. Why, just the other day he was caught playing with one of my cardboard boxes –

"Haha, Dad likes me moooorrrrreeee!" A young child wearing a bandanna said.

"Nu uh! He's likes me too! Don'cha, Dad?" A teary-eyed blonde kid said.

The sound of his kids fighting threw Big Boss off course. He swerved their car directly into the next lane – towards a huge truck. Thinking quickly, Big Boss shot the truck driver in the head, with the precision that only the greatest soldier of the 20th century had. The truck tilted overhead and collided with several lamp posts. Furious, Big Boss turned to face his kids.

"Dammit, kids! What is my number one rule?!"

"Never interrupt you when you're driving or monologuing." Both kids said in unison.

"Ahem!" Big Boss grunted impatiently.

"…Or both…"

"That's my boy. Good job, David." Big Boss said approvingly.

"But Dad, I said that one too!" Liquid cried out.

Big Boss' cheery expression didn't change. For a long time, he smiled at both of them before opening his mouth.

"Liquid?"

"Yes, father?"

Big Boss' smiled widened. "Get out of my car."

Crying silently, Liquid got out of the car. He walked a few steps forward before looking back. He didn't have time to look, however, as a bullet whizzed past him. Big Boss, still smiling paternally, was aiming The Patriot right at him. A few more bullets aimed at his feet was all it took for Liquid to hightail it all the way to the airport. When he got there, he inexplicably bumped into a creepy Russian dude.

"Hey there, handsome." The Russian dude said, twirling both his revolver and his porn star moustache, "You must be Liquid…I'm Shalashaska."

"Shosholashka?" Liquid said, confused.

"No, Shalashaska." The man corrected.

"Lalavashka?"

"Eh, let's stick with Ocelot, kid."

"B-But, who are you?" Liquid asked.

"Your father sent me. I'm to take you to England where I'll be your guardian and your…gentleman lover." Ocelot said slyly.

Liquid smiled politely before making a run for it. He ran all the way up the stairs, into the exit, but to his horror, Big Boss was still there, Patriot at hand.

"Where do you think you're going?" Big Boss said, smiling creepily as ever.

"Dad! Some guy named Shishalashka wants to take me away and pop my man-cherry!"

A strong but gentle hand landed on Liquid's shoulder. Ocelot was standing over him and smiling sadistically. Behind Big Boss, Solid Snake was busy playing with Liquid's toy planes. Overcome with emotion, Liquid threw himself at his father's feet. Big Boss let out a hearty laugh.

"Now, son. Remember what I said?" Big Boss asked cheerfully.

Solid then piped in. "If your tears soil my boots, I'll shoot your caboose!"

"Excellent, Snake! You're taking over the Metal Gear franchise for sure!" Big Boss said, with a proud tear in his eye.

"And it won't be so bad, Liquid." Ocelot said with a reassuring smile that unmistakably made him look like a pedophile, "After all, in ancient Sparta, it was considered honorable for a young man such as yourself to have an older lover…Now, WHAT IS YOUR PROFESSION?!"

"What?! I'm only eight! I have no profession!" Liquid shot back.

"Good enough for me." Ocelot said, shrugging his shoulders.

He grabbed hold of Liquid's feet and began dragging him to the plane. In the distance, Liquid could see Big Boss giving Solid Snake a piggy back ride. From that moment on, the seeds of hatred were now firmly planted in Liquid's heart.

"Hey, you inherited your dad's skill with monologues!" Ocelot said. "But that won't be the only seed planted inside of you, Hehehe."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! FFFFAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTHHHHHEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!!!"

* * *

To be continued...


	7. Liquid's Tale part 2

The year is 1990. A tall, well-built, blonde man is walking confidently across the street. He checks his watch and scoffs at the time. He's half an hour early for his next class. He takes a deep breath and smiles. It's a beautiful day, he thought. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining brightly in the sky—

"Hey, the freak is monologuing again!" A fat kid from the second floor building yelled, prompting several people to suddenly show up.

"The other students are about to throw water balloons at me…again." Liquid finished his monologue bitterly.

The water balloons soared through the sky with great velocities. They literally blocked out the sun due to their numbers alone. With nothing else to do, Liquid simply stood there, mouth agate, as the water balloons started to fall one by one. His attackers were relentless, throwing water balloon after water balloon. After at least thirty-five minutes, the balloon-throwing stopped.

"Man, that was great! We sure showed him!" The fat one giggled.

"Yeah, and we couldn't have done it if it weren't for David, here." Another pimply teen said, patting a long hair American in the shoulder.

Liquid couldn't believe his eyes. It was his brother, David aka Solid Snake, on campus! With the speed that only a clone of the Greatest Soldier of the 20th century could afford, he raced up the stairs and into the rafters where his brother stood.

"BBBRRROOOTTTHHHEEERRR!" Liquid said in an unexpectedly happy tone.

David stared at him casually, drinking from a sippy cup.

"Do I know you, freak?" David said cheerfully and obliviously.

"It's me! Liquid! Don't cha remember?" Liquid said as he took out his wallet, pretending that the pictures in his wallet are good memories, when in truth he was abused by either Big Boss or his brothers in every photo.

David took another sip before breaking into a smile. "Oh yeah, you're the douche bag I used to room with when I was a kid. Hey, do you still wear Big Boss' hand-me-down underwears from Operation Snake Eater?"

Liquid smiled nervously, knowing all too well that David was right and the underwear he was wearing was in fact, several decades old.

"Hehe, let's not talk about that," Liquid chuckled, "But anyway, why are you here? And how come you don't call Big Boss 'dad' anymore?"

"Big Boss isn't my dad. That was just a conspiracy." David said in a trance-like voice, pupils dilating and all.

"But he raised us himself--"

"IT WAS A FREAKIN' CONSPIRACY!"

"Okay, okay, chill." Liquid said. "So uh, I guess the awkward brotherly-love moment I've been dreaming about for years finally happens today. JJJJJOOOOOYYYYY!"

The world was suddenly in slow motion and some generic cheesy background music started to play. Liquid's eyes suddenly grew large and puppy dog-eyed, whereas David's remained small and somewhat distant. With tears streaming from his suddenly-enlarged eyes, Liquid started to run towards his brother with open arms, albeit very slowly due to the slow-mo thing. David snickered and leaned sideways, sticking his feet directly in Liquid's path. Due to the unrealistic physics involved with "slow-mo mode" Liquid was not able to notice this in time and tripped.

To make matters worse, the entire world was back to its normal speed, making the collision of Liquid's face into the ground very quick but undeniably painful indeed. Every person who had thrown a water balloon at him earlier had suddenly reappeared, if only to taunt and laugh at Liquid. David let out a loud laugh before walking away with his new posse.

"Man, David that was cool!"

"You the bloody man, David!"

"Ain't that Liquid a total wanker?"

Liquid miserably lifted his head from the ground. It was gonna be a long year, he thought. Plus, he had just realized that he was now five minutes late for his class. D'oh!

The ensuing months did not make it any easier on Liquid. His brother, David, had single-handedly become the most popular guy on campus. Already an outcast, Liquid learned to accept his role as the lesser of the Twin Snakes. After all, he still had his fabulous blond hair, his really cool tattoo and his British accent. Best of all, he was about to graduate at the top of his Hind D pilot class. Yep, things weren't so bad at a –

"Young man! If I told you once, I've told you a thousand times, monologuing in class is forbidden!" His old professor said, whacking him across the back of his head with a ruler.

"Sorry, Professor Ocelot." Liquid said softly.

Ocelot shot him a nasty look before twirling his moustache and walking away. As he left, Liquid noticed a small piece of crumpled paper on his desk. Curious, he opened it and read it's contents out loud like the douche bag he truly is.

"Meet me after class for a 'private' lesson." Liquid looked up to see Ocelot grinning at him. Underneath the sentence was a question. "Do you think my moustache looks sexy, today? Yes? No?" Ocelot broke into an even bigger grin. Feeling very uneasy, Liquid quickly disposed of the note and buried his head in his hands, wishing he had a cardboard box to hide under. Mercifully, the school bell had rung, signaling the end of classes.

"Just a moment, class." Ocelot held his hand up. "I would like to remind you that tomorrow one student will be picked out of all the rest as…" Ocelot cleared his throat dramatically "…Legendary Soldier of the future. The student who wins said award will undoubtedly be honored above all the rest. That is all, class dismissed."

The students left the classroom in a hurry. Liquid got up from his seat and attempted to do the same but was prevented by a strong grip on his shoulder. Silent tears of fear streamed down his face as he turned to see Ocelot sadistically smile at him.

"Ready for that private lesson, boy?"

"Please no!" Liquid started to beg, "My father's a legendary soldier, I'll give you anything you want: money, women…men?"

Ocelot drew in closer and whispered softly in his ear: "There's only one I want, now why don't we get to work? You'll earn the title of 'Boss' before this day is done, and you won't have to kill anybody."

Liquid screamed at the top of his lungs as Ocelot dragged him to the back room.

"Ha! Kids these days…Screamin' for their lives and yet you leave 'em wanting more." Ocelot said to himself.

The next day, Liquid woke up bright and early. He showered, got dressed, and ate his breakfast ration all in five minutes. Wow! A new record, he thought. Nothing could spoil his day. He was on top of the world. Top of his Hind D class, dashing good looks, but most important of all, today was the day he would win the Legendary soldier of the future award. Yep, nothing could ruin his day.

"Shut the hell up, freak! Some of us are trying to sleep!" A student from the hallway yelled.

Liquid smiled. So what if his constant monologuing was annoying? Once this day was done, his fellow students would have no choice but to accept him as their superior. There was no doubt in his mind. Up ahead he could see David talking to the Battle Strategy 101 professor, Roy Campbell. Campbell had an annoying red-headed girl in his hand. Probably his daughter. Or his niece. Whatever. Liquid took a deep breath and walked over to his brother.

"Good morning, BBBBBRRRRROOOOOTTTTTHHHHHEEEEERRRRR!" Liquid yelled.

Campbell and David looked at him for a moment before getting back to their conversation.

"Listen, David, no hard feelings later, right?" Liquid said cheerfully. "After all, only one of us can be Legendary Soldier of the year. You're great as the campus jock and all, but when it comes to the real heavy duty thinkin', you can't go wrong with me."

David looked at him, sippy cup in hand, and then looked over Liquid's shoulder and froze. Both him and Campbell dropped their sippy cups and saluted in a dignifying way. Liquid couldn't believe his eyes; they were finally giving him the respect he deserves. Just when his self-esteem was about to recover from years of abuse, be it mental, physical or even sexual in Ocelot's case, a bullet penetrated his right butt cheek.

"Man, I missed doing that." Big Boss said from behind, Patriot and all.

"D-D-Dad!" Liquid said, fighting the intense pain, "You made it! You got my letter after all!"

Big Boss, suddenly having a flashback of him burning all letters labeled 'from Liquid' with the make-shift flamethrower David had made for him, smiled and nodded.

"Uh, yeah, sure…let's go with that." Big Boss said sheepishly.

Just then, Ocelot came running. He had a big ass trophy that was so shiny exclamation points suddenly appeared on everybody's head.

"Here it is! The Legendary Soldier of the future award." Ocelot said proudly.

"Well don't just stand there! Who won?" Big Boss demanded.

The whole world was suddenly in slow motion once again, this time with a cheesy victory music in the background. Liquid could hardly wait; he was starting to wet himself. Ocelot slowly made his way towards him. In what seemed like forever, Ocelot finally made it to where Liquid was standing. He stretched out his arms for the trophy, but all his dreams of victory came crashing down when all Ocelot did was grab his privates and gave it a tight squeeze.

"Crotch grab! HA!" Ocelot said loudly before turning to Big Boss, "And you thought I learned nothing from Volgin."

Liquid stood there in shock as Ocelot gave the trophy to David instead. The world was spinning wildly out of control. Liquid was fading away. He watched as Big Boss placed a bandanna on David's head and gave him a sweet kiss on the forehead. It was all too much.

"Psst, oh yeah, I forgot to mention this before, but uh…you're actually my clone." Big Boss whispered. "So is David, but he's my dominant clone and you're inferior to him in every way. Thought you should know. You can go back to screaming now."

Liquid had suddenly lost the last vestige of his sanity. It was all too much to bear. After all was said and done, he only had one thing left to say.

"BBBBBRRRRROOOOOTTTTTHHHHHEEEEERRRRR!!!!!"

* * *

**Author's note:**

_Sorry for the veeerrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyy long delay. I've gotten a lot of good reviews while I was writing this, so this fic must be getting pretty popular. I've been having trouble with my internet connection which is I haven't been able to upload anything. There's only one(or two if I can thing of something special) chapter left to go. We're almost to the promised land of completion, don't leave me now! \m/_

_-Chris Orton._


	8. The UberMetal Gear!

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry for the very long delay...Can't really explain why, it'd be too long, but here it is! The final chapter of tales of snake. Hope you like it.

* * *

Everybody sat dumbfounded. Even Ocelot couldn't believe what had just come out of his mouth. His left arm, however, continued to twitch violently.

"Okay...Why don't I check on the guards?" Snake said

"Yeah, I'll go check too..." Raiden added "...on the guards, I mean."

Ocelot sat there alone with Otacon who was practically sweating bullets. Every now and then, Ocelot's arm would involuntarily slap Otacon's face, but neither of them spoke, afraid to awaken the Liquid persona. Meanwhile, Snake and Otacon slowly opened the door. Most of the guards were sound asleep. Some were bleeding profusely and unconscious, while some were puking inside the nearby bathroom.

"Okay, team! Let's go!" Snake yelled.

At once, exclamation points appeared on the heads of several guards, who were all instantly awoken.

"Uh-Oh"

All four of them simultaneously let out high pitched screams of girliness and ran out the closet. As they made a run for it, Ocelot's arm continued to slap Otacon repeatedly, causing several bruises and a nasty cut on his forehead.

"Why are you always slapping me? What about Raiden? His face is fresh!"

"That's for helping Snake blow Rex up at Shadow Moses!" Ocelot replied in Liquid's voice.

"Quiet you two! I think Snake found a way out!" Raiden hissed.

Moments after that, a flushing sound was heard and Snake came out of the bathroom, visibly pleased with himself.

"Where's the exit?" Raiden demanded

"What exit?" Snake asked

"The one you said you found!"

"Oh no, you misunderstood me. I meant I found the bathroom with the Japanese hand sanitizers. Ain't it awesome?" Snake said as he continuously squeezed the sanitizer in his hands.

"How the hell did you ever win that award?" Raiden ejaculated

"That's what I said!" came Liquid's voice

"GET OUT OF MY ARM!" Ocelot screamed

Suddenly, his left arm lifted itself into the air, before crashing down on Ocelot's face and slapping him repeatedly.

"Hey Ocelot! Why are you hitting yourself?" His arm taunted as it slapped the senile look off Ocelot's face.

"Guys! Lookie what I found!" Otacon said excitedly.

It was an incredibly huge door. All four of them stared at it with child-like wonder. The sign on the door read 'SECRET METAL GEAR ROOM. DO NOT ENTER.'

"There it is! The new, uber-powerful Metal Gear!" Raiden said gleefully

"The friggin' door is locked..." Snake said grimly as he tried to open it.

"What do we do now?" Otacon asked.

Everybody stared straight at him with grim expressions on their faces. Twirling his revolver in the air, Ocelot pointed his weapon at the door and in a large, commanding voice yelled:

"MELON!"

Nothing happened. Everyone stared at Ocelot as if he was completely senile, although if he was, it was no longer surprising, given the strange night they've all had. Ocelot continued to poke the door with his revolver, saying words in elvish and gibberish, saying the words slower and louder and eventually faster but softer. After a while, he gave up.

"Sorry boys. I don't know how Gandalf the Grey did it in 'Fellowship'...This thing is completely sealed in."

Snake took out his Stinger and blasted the door open. Raiden, Snake and Otacon all raced inside the room.

"That works, I guess..."

All of them made a run for the pedestal at the middle of the room, but nothing could've prepared them for what they saw: a ten-inch action figure of a Metal Gear Rex-Ray hybrid. Their jaws dropped simultaneously. Had this been the uber-powerful weapon they were all expecting?

"That's it?" Raiden asked

"I knew I should've stayed home and watched 90210." Otacon began to cry.

Snake lit a cigarette and smiled. "All in a day's work, boys. All in a day's work."

"WHAT WORK?! WE FOUND NOTHING!" Raiden yelled.

Snake seemed unfazed by Raiden's words and continued to smoke. "Raiden, every dog has his day."

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? ARE YOU HIGH OR SOMETHING?"

As Snake continued to look stoic and Raiden continued to bitch, Otacon snuck passed them and reached for the action figure only to find it missing.

"Hey guys, where's the toy?"

. . . . .

* * *

(Phone rings)

"Hello?"

"..."

"Yes, I got the action figure."

"..."

"Yes sir. Of course, they know nothing."

"..."

"Yes, sir I understand. I'm on my way to Tokyo now to give it to you now."

"..."

"Yes, they all fell for my Liquid impersonation...I had his arm removed a week ago. I might have to replace this arm though...Yes, a robotic one will do...Solidus has such a weak left arm."

"..."

"By the way, how are the next games coming?...Yes, Rising and Peace Walker...Pretty good, huh? Snake and the others have no idea this is all a part of a video ga—"

"........"

"Oh, right. Well, I won't say anything about it. I'll be in your office first thing tomorrow."

"..."

"Thank you...Mr. Kojima"

(Phone hangs up)


End file.
